It’s tough when you want to do things that aren’t good for you in the long run.
Learn this simple approach to handle that conflict and stay in control.
Written by Katie Boushall
Reviewed by Daniel Gonzalez
Life is full of tempting situations that can lead you to act against your values and goals. While it’s unrealistic to expect constant self-restraint, exercising self-control is crucial for living the life you truly desire. Researchers Mikiko Oda and Shin-ichi Yoshioka highlight that self-control is a key component of psychological independence.
In this article, we’ll introduce a practical framework to help you strengthen your self-control skills. We’ll also illustrate these concepts through the story of a character named Carissa, showing self-control in action. By the end, you’ll have the tools you need to enhance your self-control and align your actions with your goals. So, let’s dive in and get started.
Self-control plays a crucial role in various aspects of life, from managing eating habits to controlling spending impulses. It’s easy to slip up and overindulge in these areas.
While occasional indulgence can be satisfying, maintaining consistent self-control is vital for long-term well-being. For many, it’s impractical to indulge their every desire, such as eating whatever they want or spending impulsively on every appealing item. Some continue to live this way, often ignoring the short-term consequences. It often takes a major loss or life-altering event for individuals in this group to reconsider their habits.
Regular, proactive self-control is achievable and essential for building a life aligned with personal values and long-term goals. By practicing self-control, individuals can shape their lives to reflect the person they aspire to be. Practicing self-control fosters personal growth and prevents unnecessary turmoil caused by habitually acting on impulses.
If you’re reading this and feel uneasy about the concept of self-control because you think you lack it, don’t be hard on yourself. The purpose of this insight is to demystify “self-control” and offer a framework for practicing it. Everyone experiences slip-ups and mistakes in life, but let’s take a moment to reflect on how exercising more self-control aligns daily choices with aspirations.
First, we’ll look at a clear definition of self-control.
Let’s break down what “self-control” actually means. Psychology researchers Kaitlyn M. Werner and Brett Q. Ford define self-control as “the process of resolving conflict between conflicting goals” in their review, “Self-Control: An Integrative Framework.” This means we often face moments when our immediate desires clash with our long-term objectives.
Let’s use a story about Carissa to highlight how self-control really works.
Carissa strives to embody a healthy lifestyle, but craves donuts. Exercising self-control here involves finding a balance – perhaps enjoying just one donut instead of several. This choice harmonizes the desire for a sweet treat with the commitment to staying healthy. By understanding and practicing self-control, people can navigate these everyday conflicts and move closer to their goals.
Self-control is a continuous process.
Self-control isn’t achieved in a single moment. Werner and Ford describe it as a “dynamic, multistage process that unfolds over time.” It’s not about making one decisive choice that instantly ensures control over individuals’ actions. Instead, self-control involves a sequence of decisions and actions that build upon each other, creating a continuous journey of managing impulses and aligning with long-term goals.
Werner and Ford use a framework called the “extended process model of self-control” to describe how people can effectively exercise self-control. According to this model, the process begins by recognizing the need to regulate a long-term goal or temptation. Once someone sees how their goal clashes with a temptation, they can choose a strategy to balance the two. After applying this strategy to manage a situation requiring self-control, a person can observe the results to decide whether to keep using similar strategies or try different ones in the future.
This example illustrates the three key steps to exercising self-control:
You can apply this framework across many areas of life to balance your goals and conflicting desires. Self-control is essential for building a life of independence. Practicing restraint helps create a sustainable and fulfilling existence amidst the many temptations that work against individuals’ well-being. You don’t need to eliminate everything that brings you satisfaction. However, if the pursuit of more disrupts a meaningful existence, learning to use self-control can restore balance and enrich your life.
Oda, M., & Yoshioka, S.-I. (2021, January 15). Factors influencing psychological independence in adolescents and their relationship to coaching-based support from significant others. National Library of Medicine. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7902167/
Werner, K. M., & Ford, B. Q. (2023). Self-control: An integrative framework. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 17(5), e12738. https://doi.org/10.1111/spc3.12738
